A. K. Fitzgerald

    Category: Uncategorized

    • Androgyny and Being Nonbinary

      Hey Internet Peeps, it’s A. K. again. Today, like many days, I woke up to my wife joining a live on TikTok. This one, like most that she joins, was on the validity of trans women, or trans people. Like, what the fuck is that even? How are trans women or trans people not valid? They always say my gender, nonbinary, is invalid as well. It got me thinking about several things. I have trauma from bullies all throughout grade school asking if I was a boy or a girl in a degrading tone. But also, there was the dreaded “shim” or “he she”. When they found out my given middle name was Amanda, it turned into “A man duh”. I’ve always had an androgynous look to me. Though most would’ve taken me for a boy because I wore, and still wear, more masculine clothing. I definitely would’ve failed the three article law as the only gendered item I wear is a bra.

      I have a memory of being in like first or second grade and having my friends tell me I should use the boy’s room. Not because they were being mean. They genuinely thought that’s the bathroom I should’ve been using. Then there’s the memory of being at Balboa Park in the fifth grade, (all the schools in San Diego go to Balboa Park for a week for extra learning) and one of the boys in my group, who I thought I had made friends with, “misgendered” me by saying “he”. The instructor corrected him and said “No, she”. He lost his shit and was just like, “No, he. He. He.” Like thanks for bringing the attention to me asshole. I just remember feeling so awkward and uncomfortable with all the other kids looking at me.

      Middle school was the most instances of “shim” and “he she”. Middle school was hell. I wanted so much to fit in, and these people hated me. Not all of them. That’s where I met my wife, after all. I’ve never been able to help the way that I look. My mom forced me to wear a dress to my eighth grade promotion. It just felt wrong. Everyone was so surprised. I don’t remember the exact comments. I just wanted to disappear. My mom always tried to push femininity on me. Occasionally forcing me into dresses and having my sister do makeup on me. I hated every minute of it. Why couldn’t she see I would look better in a suit? I would feel more like myself in a suit.

      Now I’m all grown up and I do own a suit. It’s not tailored, but it fits me alright. I look pretty good in it, too, if I do say so myself. Now most people know I’m AFAB. They can tell. They just think I’m a masculine woman. I wish I had the balls to tell everyone my pronouns are they/them. Everyone calls me “she”. And it stings just a little. Because somehow that feels just as inaccurate as “he”. It’s not like people can tell from looking at me what my pronouns are. I would have to speak up. I just feel so awkward doing it. People in my life on a regular basis don’t even use they/them for me. Why would a stranger? And people get so weird about pronouns. Like it’s some monumental task you’re asking of them. Is it really that difficult to use they instead of she? Then there are the angels out there who automatically know somehow to use they/them. Goddess bless those people.

      All my paperwork and documents still say “X”. I’m not changing it. That is my gender. I’m not invalid. I’m nonbinary. I float between. I am both.

      I guess that’s all I really have to say about that. Remember to like and subscribe. That way you’ll get me in your inbox. 😉

    • Fear of Failure (And LGBTQ+ History)

      Hey there Internet Peeps! It’s A. K. again.. I’ve been thinking a lot about failure lately. I always feel like I’m failing. Largely because I still base my metrics off of my mother’s scales. I got a 96% on my Statistics midterm. It’s still an A. But somehow, I felt like I had failed because it wasn’t 100%. When I told my sister, she said it was because our mom would’ve said, “Why didn’t you get 100?” or something along those lines. I’ve always felt like a failure. Like I wasn’t doing enough. Now I still feel like a failure. I expressed to my incredibly intelligent and caring wife these feelings that I’m going to fail. That I’m a failure already. She asked me to point out when I had failed, when it was not because of fucked up extenuating circumstances at home. She asked me to point out when I had failed since we had been together. Because she couldn’t think of anything. I sat, dumbfounded, tears streaming down my face. Do I really just think I’m a failure because my mom implanted that in my head?

      I’m really stressed, maybe overthinking this Newsletter idea of mine. I want to research and write awesome things from History. I want it to be History Uncensored. A lot of Gay and Lesbian and Trans History. But other stuff too. There’s so much interesting stuff that’s happened. I want the Newsletter to be the correspondence for The Witches’ Guild, too. So, there will definitely be a witchy vibe to it. What I’m afraid of is that no one will read it. I’ll research and write it out and there will be no need to print it. No wax seals to pour and stamp. No envelopes to address. Because there will be nowhere to send them. I have about a month. I know a few people that have said they would read it. Family mostly… My goal, though, is to reach a broader audience. To grow an audience. To get people interested and informed and excited about the events of the past because they’re still relevant today.

      I have a feeling that Trans history will be the focus at first, in one way or another, because it needs to be. Because Trans people have been around since the dawn of time and it’s crazy to me that they’re trying to erase them. Us. I fall under the Trans umbrella. For those that can’t tell from my previous posts, or haven’t read them, I’m nonbinary. Some days I feel more Trans than others. But I very much fall into that category. To have the president of your country say you don’t exist. To have the gender marker on all your documentation, “X”, suddenly be invalid. To not know if your passport is valid when you have an international trip coming up. It’s maddening. It’s heartbreaking. Mostly, it’s infuriating.

      The only way I know how to do something is to write. So, I have my little blog. Where I process my trauma. But also talk about the issues that mean a lot to me. But I want to expand it to the Newsletter. I want to put more information out there. Historical information. Because there’s power in knowing the past. I have a Gay and Lesbian History book. I love the edition I just got because there’s actually pictures in there. Great pictures from history. Of old timey gays and lesbians and trans people living their lives as best they could. I want to find more resources like this. Maybe online resources will be easier. There don’t seem to be a lot of books like this one by Neil Miller. Maybe one day I’ll write my own LGBTQ+ History book so there will at least be one more. But I’ll go further back than 1869. Because that’s just when the term “homosexuality” came onto the scene, according to said history book. But we’ve been here the whole time.

      Will I fail? Maybe… But I have to try. I have to have this lofty goal. Among all my other lofty goals. Because it’s important to me. But bigger than that, it’s important to have the information out there. I remember what it was like for me to find that gay history book in the bookstore. The elation I felt. I felt seen. Validated as a human being. Here was MY history in a book. If I can do that for someone else, why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I do that with this Newsletter? And who cares if my mom thinks I’m a failure. SHE’S a failure! And she’s dead. So, who cares what she thinks anymore. She can’t hurt me anymore.

      Well, I guess that’s enough for today, Internet friends. Don’t forget to like and subscribe. Those actions really do help me. So please don’t forget to do it if you enjoy my writing or if you want to make me smile. All it takes is liking this post. And putting your email address up in that subscribe box. Then you’ll get me delivered directly to your email. No spam. Just my blog posts. I appreciate you reading to the end. Leave a comment, too. That would really make my day. Ok. That’s really all for now.

      -A. K.

    • What I’ve Been Up To

      Hey there Internet People!! It’s A. K. again! I’m hopeful today. I finally started actually talking about my mom in therapy. I cried y’all. I just cried when I even mentioned wanting to talk about my mom. She’s such a touchy topic for me. It’s hard to even write about her right now without crying. And I’m writing this at school. And how embarrassing would it be to just start crying while sitting in the Business building as students walk by me??? Anyway… I’m hopeful. I have a future now. Without her. Despite her and the trauma she inflicted upon me. Upon us. My sister is building her business and I’m so fuckin proud of her!! She’s following her calling and I’m trying to follow mine… writing…

      I want to put out a Newsletter. Like… A physical Newsletter that people subscribe to and look forward to getting each month. Something that’s well written and researched. Something I pour my heart and soul into. Not that I don’t pour my heart and soul into this blog… But y’all know what I mean… I’m really excited about this Newsletter idea. I’m just unsure how to get subscribers…  Marketing… I’ve never been so good at marketing myself. I’ve been trying to gain momentum with this blog… The Newsletter is going to be published through, or rather, presented by, The Witches’ Guild, our café/lounge/business that we’re opening. We, being my wife and I. We’re going to start making chocolates and candies well before we open the brick-and-mortar business. But we’ve been talking and we’re going to publish the comics/graphic novels I’m writing, too. So it only makes sense that the Newsletter would be through The Witches’ Guild as well. Plus, great advertisement, right?

      I want the first “issue” to come out for May, Beltane. It’s going to introduce The Witches’ Guild, my wife and I, then dive into Beltane, and then a new personal favorite of mine, Inanna. She’s an Ancient Sumerian Goddess. The reason I chose her is very simple: She was said to “turn men into women and women into men”. That’s right, she was basically a Trans Goddess, among many other things. And her priestesses were trans women and nonbinary folks. I had already done some research into her separately from this and discovered her on my own for other reasons. But then when researching trans people in the ancient world, her name came up again. It seemed meant to be when I saw her name. I knew I had to do my first issue on her and her followers. I hope you all that choose to subscribe find her as interesting as I do.

      Like I said, I’m hopeful… I see a future for myself… I met with a counselor here at school yesterday. He thinks I’ll be done at the Community College and ready to transfer to the University by next Fall. Not this Fall… Next Fall… But ready to apply this Fall… What a fuckin trip! I thought it would take me three years to complete what I wanted to do (double major, essentially, Business and English) at the Community College before I transfer to University. In my College Success class, we had an assignment to make affirmations. Mine was, “I am Creative, I am Consistent, I am Hopeful, and I am Grateful for the Life I have now.” I repeat that to myself basically all day, every day. I get real bad intrusive thoughts, especially when the PMDD is getting real bad. This affirmation helps. But it’s actually starting to change something within me. I’m starting to believe it. I AM Creative… I AM at least starting to be Consistent… I AM Hopeful… And I AM incredibly fucking Grateful for the Life I’m living now…

      I encourage y’all to make your own affirmations. Then repeat them over to yourself. Out loud or silently in your head, like I do. Make them inspiring. Manifest your future. I also encourage you to like and subscribe to me. 😉Leave me a comment. Would you be interested in subscribing to my physical Newsletter?? It would come with a small fee for physical costs and shipping. But I promise it’ll be worth it. I’m into wax seals. Keep that in mind. It wouldn’t just be plain white paper and some forgettable junk. Anyway… Drop me a line.. Leave me a like.. And please subscribe.. Thank you to those that have.. I appreciate the fuck out of YOU!! That’s all for now Internet Peeps… Til next time..

      -A. K.

    • Allow Me to Re-Introduce Myself

      Hello out there, Internet! It’s me, A. K. This is my new location for my blog. We’re trying to move away from Google, so no more Blogger. To re-introduce myself, I’m A. K. and I’m on a Journey through the healing process from all the trauma I’ve been through in my life, mostly at the hands of my mom in a dysfunctional, “cult-like” family system. She was a total narcissist. I have a few mental illnesses; depression, anxiety, cPTSD, BPD, ADD, “broadcasting thoughts”, a touch of the ‘tism, some other stuff I’m sure I can’t think of. I’m a full-time student. I recently married my middle school sweetheart. We went on an epic honeymoon cruise over Winter Solstice. I’m a nonbinary lesbian alien. Nibby to my dog. I’m a writer, obviously. Just not consistently. (I’m working on that.) I’m also working on being an artist. I have hopes of writing and publishing a comic and/or graphic novel. That’s about the gist of who I am. This space is where I write my thoughts, when they come up, about my healing journey, my anger for my mom, who I can’t process with, because she’s dead, or just my thoughts about life in general. I’ll repost my latest blogpost. Maybe I’ll post a couple. Anyway, it’s nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy my ramblings. Maybe leave a comment so I know you were here.

      -A. K.