Hey Internet Peeps, it’s A. K. again. Today, like many days, I woke up to my wife joining a live on TikTok. This one, like most that she joins, was on the validity of trans women, or trans people. Like, what the fuck is that even? How are trans women or trans people not valid? They always say my gender, nonbinary, is invalid as well. It got me thinking about several things. I have trauma from bullies all throughout grade school asking if I was a boy or a girl in a degrading tone. But also, there was the dreaded “shim” or “he she”. When they found out my given middle name was Amanda, it turned into “A man duh”. I’ve always had an androgynous look to me. Though most would’ve taken me for a boy because I wore, and still wear, more masculine clothing. I definitely would’ve failed the three article law as the only gendered item I wear is a bra.
I have a memory of being in like first or second grade and having my friends tell me I should use the boy’s room. Not because they were being mean. They genuinely thought that’s the bathroom I should’ve been using. Then there’s the memory of being at Balboa Park in the fifth grade, (all the schools in San Diego go to Balboa Park for a week for extra learning) and one of the boys in my group, who I thought I had made friends with, “misgendered” me by saying “he”. The instructor corrected him and said “No, she”. He lost his shit and was just like, “No, he. He. He.” Like thanks for bringing the attention to me asshole. I just remember feeling so awkward and uncomfortable with all the other kids looking at me.
Middle school was the most instances of “shim” and “he she”. Middle school was hell. I wanted so much to fit in, and these people hated me. Not all of them. That’s where I met my wife, after all. I’ve never been able to help the way that I look. My mom forced me to wear a dress to my eighth grade promotion. It just felt wrong. Everyone was so surprised. I don’t remember the exact comments. I just wanted to disappear. My mom always tried to push femininity on me. Occasionally forcing me into dresses and having my sister do makeup on me. I hated every minute of it. Why couldn’t she see I would look better in a suit? I would feel more like myself in a suit.
Now I’m all grown up and I do own a suit. It’s not tailored, but it fits me alright. I look pretty good in it, too, if I do say so myself. Now most people know I’m AFAB. They can tell. They just think I’m a masculine woman. I wish I had the balls to tell everyone my pronouns are they/them. Everyone calls me “she”. And it stings just a little. Because somehow that feels just as inaccurate as “he”. It’s not like people can tell from looking at me what my pronouns are. I would have to speak up. I just feel so awkward doing it. People in my life on a regular basis don’t even use they/them for me. Why would a stranger? And people get so weird about pronouns. Like it’s some monumental task you’re asking of them. Is it really that difficult to use they instead of she? Then there are the angels out there who automatically know somehow to use they/them. Goddess bless those people.
All my paperwork and documents still say “X”. I’m not changing it. That is my gender. I’m not invalid. I’m nonbinary. I float between. I am both.
I guess that’s all I really have to say about that. Remember to like and subscribe. That way you’ll get me in your inbox. 😉
A. K. Fitzgerald 